Ain't Nobody Got Time for That!

I saw this summary of the Top 10 right wing conspiracy theories. Reading this, I felt like I was reading a science-fiction book about some strange other species on a distant planet. Alas, these insane inanities come from my fellow Terrans. *sigh*

Apparently, there are Americans who fear the "New World Order" which, to them means (depending on which group of nuts you're talking about) Jews or Chinese or the UN or Europeans or Black Muslims or some group that is not them. They think there is a secret plot of overtake the US (either internally or with external powers) and do stuff they won't like or something. It's all very unclear to me.

"Put on yer gasmask, Bubba!
Them planes are tryin' to gas us again!"

The first wacky theory: visible moisture trails behind jet-liners are actually "chem-trails" of deadly or mind-control toxins. (Are they children? Or just brain damaged?) Imagination and fantasy can be fun, I get it, but write a screen-play and make some money. Don't swear allegiance to a swastika or a yellow snake flag or some other bizarre symbol that means you have to have your own dictionary (defining "Patriot" "New World Order" "chemtrails" "metropolitan government" "urban gangs," etc ) and camouflage wardrobe. That's just so much work. Ain't nobody got time for that!

"Stupid Americans!
You should have ALL joined the militia!
Now we can have our long-anticipated POLICE STATE!"

Next is the perpetual fear that the government is going to institute martial law! Something bad will happen, usually secretly set off BY THE GUBMINT, and that will be the excuse to form a permanent police state. Everyone is in on the conspiracy EXCEPT those whom they are confident won't be and will side with the Patriots. No criteria have been identified to decide which ones are part of the NWO and which ones aren't.

Do they not know how hard it is to maintain a police state? Small emirates and jungle countries can't do it all that successfully, and they don't have educated populations. Ain't nobody got time for that! And why would anyone want to set up a police state? For what possible incentive? Police states cost lots of money to maintain and all end in revolution. We're past that.

Third is one of my personal favorites: FEMA concentration camps. Mainstream GOP members have baited these "Patriots" by referencing these make-believe camps. The completely idiotic and made up purpose of these camps is to lock up Patriots who belong to militia groups after they have been rounded up by "urban gangs" (ie black people). While it might be karmically appropriate for black Americans to lock up some white folks, I have not actually ever heard of that happening. If the US government did not lock up militia groups after Tim McVeigh and Terry Nichols (militia members) murdered hundreds of innocent Americans in OK City, I'm pretty sure it ain't gonna happen. And we don't need to anyway. These paranoid peeps are far too splintered from each other (some are NeoNazis, some are Aryan Nation, some are White Supremacists, some are just plain old anti-Semitic, some are anti-Muslim, etc) and way too dumb to pose a threat to our society. That's not to say they don't pose any threat at all. But no one's going to lock up cray crays just for being cray crays. Ain't nobody got time for that!

"Can someone come get Bart out of the razzor wire!
He was trying to get all artsy with the camera again!"

And you KNOW they check to make sure the tornado/hurricane/flood swept away their camo and Patriot Dictionary when FEMA comes by to decide how much tax-payer-provided free shit they will get. Because a militia Patriot is nothing if not a flaming hypocrite.

"No, really. It's me, Barack Obama!"

Next is paranoia bout foreign troops on US soil. Do you know how many foreign countries have US military bases IN them? Army: Bulgaria, Germany, Israel, Italy, Japan, Kosovo, Kuwait, South Korea. Marines: Afghanistan, Australia, Germany, Japan. Navy: Bahrain, Brazil, Cuba, Djibouti, Greece, Guam, Israel, Italy, Japan, Kuwait, South Korea, Spain, UAE. Air Force: Afghanistan, Bahrain, Bulgaria, Germany, Greenland, Guam, Italy, Japan, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Netherlands, Oman, Pakistan, Philippines, Portugal, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, South Korea, Spain, Turkey, UAE, UK. And that list does not include the new base in Iraq.


If anyone should be afraid, it should be the people of Djibouti and Kyrgyzstan. Why would our government use foreign troops to take over anything? We already police the world! Ain't nobody got time for that!

"I wove the Second Amendment,"
he said in duck talk.

Next is Monsieur LaPierre's bugaboo: door-to-door gun confiscation. Thanks to the NRA feeding this craziness, the Patriots are convinced that the gubmint is gonna git thur guns. Well, after reading the crazy-ass shit they believe, maybe we should. But no one has yet, and no one in power that I've ever heard of has suggested it. It's just made up garbage. No one is going door to door in the swamps of Louisiana or the deserts of Texas or the jungles of Alabama to take away anyone's guns. Ain't nobody got time for that!

"False Flag"
(This was the actual caption on the pic when I found it online.) 

Ah, yes, 9/11 Truthers. They are on the far right AND the far left. Don't believe what your eyes see or your ears hear, imagine something a lot worse instead. Planes full of fuel hit buildings. Bin Laden bragging and laughing about it after. If you have doubts, read the book by the Popular Mechanics engineers debunking 9/11 myths. It's an easy read, but I'll summarize: science says to accept the explanation that requires the fewest number of assumptions. The planes OR a vast conspiracy involving thousands of people, dozens of agencies, and sinister motives of our own elected officials. (Hint: It was the planes.)

Conspiracies require groups of people to keep secrets and act smartly. Groups of people are rarely successful at either. Ain't nobody got time for that!

"Chocolate is not going to help you, now!"

Patriots also think the NWO is plotting sinister methods of population control like intentional outbreaks of disease and large-scale "accidents." Why? Because! It's so obvious! *smh Ain't nobody got time for that, or a motive for that!

"DUN DUN DUN
DUN DA DUN
DUN DA DUUUUN DUN"

This is one I'd never heard of: HAARP. It's apparently like a NWO Death Star and it is used to control weather, cause earthquakes in targeted places, spread mind-controlling or deadly chemicals. Apparently it's "fully operational" in addition to being COMPLETELY MADE UP! Ain't nobody got time for that!


The Federal Reserve is the fuel that burns the Jew-haters' engines. They think the FED is all about controlling markets, Jewish mustache-twisting conspiracies, and evil, bad Jewish people. Historically, the famous Henry Ford was an early adopter of this chicanery. Too bad, Henry. Like a key to the finish of your posterity.

"Oy vey!"

Having a monetary policy is not a threat to your liberty or your right to believe any cockamamie thing Alex Jones tells you on the magic radio machine. And just remember, hating Jews makes you very much like that short, loud guy who resembles a JC Penny teapot. And also, ain't nobody got time for that!

And finally, the dreaded North American Union or "NAU." Apparently there is a secret plan to merge the US with Canada and Mexico which explains why there is an also unheard of (because it's a secret!) plot to send as many Mexicans into the US as possible. Was there also a secret plan in the 1800s to merge the US and Ireland, which would explain the also secret plot to have lots of Irish people immigrate to the US? No?

"Whose side are the French on, really?
And WTH is a "huddled mass?"

Knowing a little history would go a long way. America is a nation of immigrants, and that is true even if some people are upset that more and more immigrants to this country have darker and darker skin.

More importantly, why would Mexico and Canada want to be a part of the US? Don't they love their country and culture as much as we love ours. And anyway, if a merger was planned, THEY WOULDN'T NEED TO IMMIGRATE! Ain't nobody got time for that! Though I have to say, I love me some maple syrup on my pork chimichanga.

For the Craziots, the lack of proof of any of this dark, weird fantasy PROVES that it's a secret conspiracy! And there's simply no arguing with that! But the point of this blog entry (if you haven't already picked up on it) is that these wacky theories would take lots of time, money, and effort, and there is no clear motive for any of it to happen. Smart, hard-working people can get very rich and powerful in Americay the way it is now. Why would a coup be needed? Ain't nobody got time - or money - for that!

I don't know how a person who commits to this line of delusional imaginings can ever get Above his/her Raisin'. I don't have a  lot of hope it will happen. But at least I get to write about it and we can all have a laugh at his/her expense.

Thanks for reading! Comments are my only compensation!

As a Post Script, let me add how EASY is was to find pictures for this blog, largely because of the many postings by the Craziots themselves. Thanks, Crazy People!

Redefining Douchebaggery - in the Magic Kingdom

I saw this article yesterday.Wealthy Manhattan moms are helping their already-advantaged children skip the lines in Disney World by paying disabled tour guides $130 per hour to pretend to be a part of their family. This allows the disabled guest and up to 6 "family members" to skip to the head of every line in the park. Plus, they ride a motorized scooter with the rent-a-paraplegic displaying a handicapped placard. So everyone who sees them thinks, "Awww, it's so nice of Disney to accommodate families with special needs members." Except the only special need these people have is for some elusive demon to return their missing souls.

I've been trying to decide how to characterize this story and how to describe my distaste for the practice. This morning I decided the closest analogy was prostitution. Though decidedly less risky to your health than prostitution, this practice has wealthy moms (the "Johns") exploiting disabled people (the "tour guides") with a certain amount of the profits going to the escort company (like a pimp).

But honestly, this exploitation is not what really pisses me off. What really pisses me off is the sense of entitlement that these wealthy people have that neither they nor their children should have to wait in line like the "regular" people.

I've thought about this one overnight so as to examine my own reactions to this story. Of course, they are not doing anything illegal (although it does sound like a violation of Disney's rules). But the free market is not without limits. And what are these moms teaching their kids? That money allows them to have different rules and obtain advantages others cannot obtain? That they are better than everyone else, and they can lie to get what they want, because they have money? That ain't no Ayn Rand right there. That's unadulterated entitlement.

Here's a quote:

“My daughter waited one minute to get on ‘It’s a Small World’ — the other kids had to wait 2 1/2 hours,” crowed one mom, who hired a disabled guide through Dream Tours Florida.

“You can’t go to Disney without a tour concierge,’’ she sniffed. “This is how the 1 percent does Disney.”

This is how the 1% does Disney. I also think Disney is being derelict in allowing this to happen. The practice does tarnish the Magic Kingdom, making it seem a little less magical.

While poor families are losing their spots in Head Start because of austerity measures, the richest of the rich are renting disabled people so they don't have to wait in line to ride space mountain. (To be fair, I guess it does create a job or two for some disable people in Orlando. But not much of a career, riding Mr. Toad's Wild Ride 6 times a month.) And how many families cannot even afford a vacation? But they can't be bothered to wait in line in an amusement park.

And she thinks it's funny. It's part of the thrill, to her, crowing and snorting about how her daughter didn't have to wait the 2 and a half hours the other people had to wait.

There is not a war on the wealthy in this country. But with this behavior that is both entitled and exploitative, there soon will be.

With access to the best school money can buy, how does a person turn out like this: unable to get Above their privileged Raisin' and be a human being who sees others less fortunate as human beings too? And how do they view their rented wheel-chair whores? Just more of the "regular"people to be used and then left behind?  It's like a scene from the Hunger Games. But it's not fiction.

Stop Throwing Light on the Crazies

Stella Tremblay of Auburn NH, is a state legislator there, and she says the US government planned the Boston Bombing.

There are famous rabble-rousers who say crap like this for a living and sane people know they are entertainment hacks, not journalists, who are not to be taken seriously. But the wackadoo crowd worries me. Because apparently, they think it's perfectly plausible, even likely, that our own government murdered and maimed innocent people at the Boston Marathon. And in the past few years, we have seen more and more wackadoos get elected to office.

Stella is on a rather small stage as a New Hampshie legislator, but we have Michele Bachmann who thinks - and tells people - the Muslim Brotherhood has "deeply penetrated" the United States government.

 And she was a legitimate contender for the GOP nomination in the 2012 election.

 And today Representative Jason Chaffetz is one of two congressmen who agreed to have actual congressional hearings on a conspiracy theory fomented by a right-wing radio personality. Really?!

As the article I linked above points out, there is no sinister explanation behind the Department of Homeland Security's purchase of ammunition. The suggestion that the US government's purchase of large quantities of ammo was a "sign" that the government was preparing to attack its own people is absurd and, coincidentally, UTTERLY WITHOUT PROOF.

The US government routinely buys huge amounts of ammo for its many armed agents to use in training, practice, and the field. And it's somehow not a sinister act until the Black President is in office. Huh. Funny.

It's another stupid, baseless load of horse-puckey brought to you by the fear-mongering Alex Jones. So Mr. Chaffetz thought spending some federal tax dollars on a congressional hearing to "get to the bottom" of this drummed-up sham would be a fun thing to do.

The monster is not in the closet, it's in the bed. The monster is the person with the twisted, delusional, irrational mind who screams to the news media trying to scare us all about the the non-existent monster in the closet. This type of craziness used to be fringe and outside the halls of leadership. Not anymore.

The crazy is spreading. The more the regular news media gives attention to the Glenn Becks and Alex Joneses of the world - and their psychotic/profit-seeking blatherings - the more power is given to the wackadoos, and the more Michele Bachmanns, Stella Tremblays and Jason Chaffetzes we are going to see elected to office.  How will we ever Get Above Our Raisin' electing lunatics like this?

There's a Special Place in Hell for People Who Hurt Children in the Name of Religion

This seemed like the hottest spot with the worst possible views.

It is generally accepted that one of Jesus' disciples, Luke, aka Luke the Evangelist, was a physician. Given that a man of this profession was included in such intimate fellowship with the Christian Messiah, one wonders where some folks came up with the idea that Christians should not seek medical help from doctors.

Why would any parents, in the name of Christianity or any other variety of faith, refuse medical care for their children? It is an ignorant absurdity to suggest that faith alone should be relied on to heal the sick when medical science is readily available. (Pray all you want, but take the antibiotics.)

I do criticize it. I do mock it. I do despise it. I give no safe harbor to beliefs that abandon spiritual faith for dogmatic stupidity. Especially this pair of murders in Philadelphia, PA:

Already on probation for letting their 2-year-old die in 2009 because they refused to seek ordinary medical treatment, last week these idiots allowed their 8-month old son to die from fever and diarrhea rather than take him to a doctor as they were required to do by the court. They just sat there praying and watching him die a painful, pointless death.

They let two young children die because of some idiotic superstition. I'm not calling all religion idiotic superstition. The world is full of religious people who do not sit by and watch their children die of curable illnesses. This is idiotic superstition because they think faith means ignoring facts, science, and common sense.

If we extend their beliefs just a little, we could say they should stop feeding their children and pray for the Lord's miraculous hand to sustain them. Or we could refuse to look both ways when crossing the street and pray that God will miraculously protect us from speeding traffic. STUPID.

If they wanted to refuse treatment for themselves, I'd still think it's ignorant, but that would be on them. But to refuse treatment for their children and WATCH THEM DIE OF CURABLE ILLNESSES IS SIMPLE INTOLERABLE!

Faith does not mean rejecting information, science and common sense. And if doctors are of no use to Christians, one wonders why Jesus Christ himself bothered to have one travel with him. If they ever get out of prison, these folks need to Get Above Their Raisin' and see a doctor. They should start with a psychiatrist.

Civilian Court is Draconian Enough for Terrorists

Draco was the first legislator of Ancient Greece. He wrote their legal code. It was considered "harsh" and "unforgiving."

The outcry to deprive people of rights when they are accused of a crime, even the crime of terrorism, is a new meme in our country. Senators, Congressmen, opinionated people on the Internet, all crying out at the injustice of refusing to toss out our core beliefs and principles so we can make some accused - but not yet convicted - terrorist of walk the plank (or ship out to Gitmo). When did we become a nation of vigilantes instead of a nation of laws?

Anyone who has ever dealt with the criminal justice system knows that it is inherently weighted in favor of the city/county/state/federal government investigating or prosecuting. They have resources that individuals don't. They have knowledge of the system that individuals don't. They have the discretion to effectively ruin your life simply by making an accusation. I promise you, there is no need for a tribunal that is more harsh, or more oppressive, more unforgiving than the one we currently have.


"Draconian" means "exceedingly harsh; very severe."  Our civilian criminal justice system is Draconian enough to handle terrorists.

In our system, you have the right to an attorney, but if you can't afford one, chances are you will be taking a plea bargain, whether guilty or not. And if you can afford one, you will probably be bankrupt by the time your case is over (unless you take a plea bargain).

You might even be acquitted, but once accused, you are forever branded. Do you think anyone charged with a terrorist act, or with child sex abuse, is ever able to fully recover, to convince people of their innocence?

This entire melodrama over Dzhokhar Tsarnaev being Mirandized or not, or being treated as an "enemy combatant" or a civilian charged with being a terrorist, is STUPID. I wish the media would treat this crap like the useless dreck it is instead of talking it up. History shows us that the system we have is more than capable of ending Dzhokhar's life (if he is convicted). But be honest: his life is ruined already.

I'm not saying this to be sympathetic. This isn't about Dzhokhar at all, or any other defendant. It never is. It is about us, and what we believe in, what we stand for, what rights we truly believe are "human rights." If we toss them aside in fear or anger, we are just another angry mob, a group of terrorists using a bureaucracy instead of a pressure cooker. We have gone down this path enough and we need to step back into the light.

Bad people do bad things. If we allow their bad acts to undermine who we are and what we stand for, they truly have destroyed America, regardless of the flag flying overhead. Bravery isn't showing how badass we are by torturing people or locking them away without due process. Bravery is sticking to your beliefs in the face of the very human temptation to be that badass.

Get Above Your Raisin', people, and cheer for justice done the proper way, respecting people's rights, including the right to remain silent, to have an attorney, and to confront one's accusers, testing evidence, and making damn sure we have the right person and sufficient evidence to convict. This process alone is a heavy weight for any defendant to bear. We don't need to make it worse to get justice.

Delusional in Muscogee County, GA

A 15-year-old young man with known "anger issues" shot his dad and step-mom with the 9mm handgun they kept in the nightstand because they made him do his chores instead of stopping to look up a Bible verse for a friend.

We're going to do an exercise with this sentence similar to "diagramming" like we used to do in grade school. Sort of a cross between a grammar lesson and a contest of "how many things can you find with this situation that are really screwed up."

1  "Anger issues" do not accurately describe whatever afflicts a person who attempts parent-i-cide. It is believed the Bible vs chores controversy occurred on Thursday evening and he didn't shoot them until Friday when he ambushed them as they came in from work. So, he didn't "lose his temper," he plotted their demise.

2  "Known anger issues" suggested that his parents had an idea that something was wrong with their son. Mom had previously quit a job to give him more attention to help him. He was on medications. But "known" problems suggest that PERHAPS THE GUN SHOULD HAVE BEEN UNDER LOCK AND KEY!

3 "Chores instead of stopping to look up a Bible verse" does not seem like the type of parental oppression that would lead a rational person (even a teenager) to use deadly force - the next evening. Clearly this young man is neither processing information nor responding to his environment the way most of us would (again, even if we were teenagers).

The article also reports that the parents were unable to attend the young man's juvenile court hearing because of being hospitalized or too injured. But the family's pastor went instead and spoke in defense of the shooter explaining that when he is not having an "episode," the young man is "affectionate and considerate." (So was Ted Bundy.)

I'm certainly not a doctor or psychologist, but clearly this fellow has issues more serious than his parents are able to handle. He shot them. And they were shocked.

What are the odds the kid goes back home to his forgiving parents AND that they still keep the gun in the nightstand?

This seems like a cautionary tale to me and reminds me of Adam Lanza, the Sandy Hook Elementary School killer. I wonder whether Adam's mother thought he just had "issues." And then one day (December 14, 2012) he shot her and then massacred 20 children, 6 teachers, and himself with his mom's semi-automatic weapons. Mrs. Lanza had an arsenal and took Adam to the firing range to practice shooting. It seems the young man in Muscogee County was not a very good shot, thankfully, as both parents survived.

People call their loved ones' scary mental illnesses and instabilities "issues" to try to make everyone feel better, but if someone in your home (A) does not perceive reality in a rational way or (B) has socially inappropriate responses to the environment, does it not seem like common sense to keep that person away from guns of all kinds?

Let's hope these well-meaning parents Get Above Their Raisin' and remove one of these threats (ie the gun or their mentally ill son) from the home before they both end up dead. (And I don't say that to be cruel or uncaring. It is clear from this double-shooting that this young man is not getting the necessary care and protection from himself that he requires.)

Don't Hate President Obama for Giving Seniors and Veterans What They Voted For

I'll begin by saying I don't agree with President Obama's offer of Chained CPI in Social Security and Veterans benefits. (As I understand it, this proposal would mean that benefits would not go up despite increases in the Consumer Price Index as it is currently set up to do.)  I think it's a bad idea to reduce the deficit on the backs of the poor, disabled, and elderly. But if I'm fair about it, I have to admit that since most seniors voted for Gov. Romney and the Ryan Budget (which would be even more harsh on the poor and elderly), they (or most of them) are just getting what they voted for.

A majority of people 65 and older voted fro Romney in the 2012 election, knowing it would mean harsh cuts to Medicare and Social Security.

And active military and veterans, according to pre-election polls, overwhelmingly supported Romney. (I looked for actual poll data and was not able to find it. I'll update if I find it.)

As I said, I think it's a really bad idea. But it's not like these folks can really complain. This is what they asked for.

The irony of American elections is this: some of the reddest states are the very states that receive the most federal assistance, though it isn't exclusive.

My home state of Alabama gets back $1.96 in federal money for every $1 of federal taxes paid by its residents. WELFARE! Look at South Carolina ($2.13) and West Virginia ($2.83)! Arizona gets $1.60, and Mississippi is getting back $2.73 for every dollar it pays into the coffers!

The average by senate representation is  $1.49 if a state has 2 GOP Senators, $1.24 if a state has 2 Democratic senators, and $1.12 if one of each. Where's that small government, spending-cutting GOP? Change begins at home, after all.

The hypocrisy of the GOP decrying deficits and debt only when they lose the White House is nauseating. But the civilian hypocrisy of seniors and veterans lamenting cuts to their entitlements after they voted for the party who promised them even bigger cuts to those same entitlements is head-spinning.

If Americans would get Above Their Raisin' and vote in a manner consistent with their actual policy preferences, President Obama would not be in the position if having to offer the Chained CPI compromise, but could instead institute policy with a Democratic majority that would reduce deficits while protecting the elderly and veterans. Since those groups chose to vote for Romney and the GOP House and Senate candidates instead, President Obama has to deal with a filibuster threat in the Senate and a GOP House. In short, folks, you get what you vote for. And you voted to cut your own benefits.