Ain't Nobody Got Time for That!

I saw this summary of the Top 10 right wing conspiracy theories. Reading this, I felt like I was reading a science-fiction book about some strange other species on a distant planet. Alas, these insane inanities come from my fellow Terrans. *sigh*

Apparently, there are Americans who fear the "New World Order" which, to them means (depending on which group of nuts you're talking about) Jews or Chinese or the UN or Europeans or Black Muslims or some group that is not them. They think there is a secret plot of overtake the US (either internally or with external powers) and do stuff they won't like or something. It's all very unclear to me.

"Put on yer gasmask, Bubba!
Them planes are tryin' to gas us again!"

The first wacky theory: visible moisture trails behind jet-liners are actually "chem-trails" of deadly or mind-control toxins. (Are they children? Or just brain damaged?) Imagination and fantasy can be fun, I get it, but write a screen-play and make some money. Don't swear allegiance to a swastika or a yellow snake flag or some other bizarre symbol that means you have to have your own dictionary (defining "Patriot" "New World Order" "chemtrails" "metropolitan government" "urban gangs," etc ) and camouflage wardrobe. That's just so much work. Ain't nobody got time for that!

"Stupid Americans!
You should have ALL joined the militia!
Now we can have our long-anticipated POLICE STATE!"

Next is the perpetual fear that the government is going to institute martial law! Something bad will happen, usually secretly set off BY THE GUBMINT, and that will be the excuse to form a permanent police state. Everyone is in on the conspiracy EXCEPT those whom they are confident won't be and will side with the Patriots. No criteria have been identified to decide which ones are part of the NWO and which ones aren't.

Do they not know how hard it is to maintain a police state? Small emirates and jungle countries can't do it all that successfully, and they don't have educated populations. Ain't nobody got time for that! And why would anyone want to set up a police state? For what possible incentive? Police states cost lots of money to maintain and all end in revolution. We're past that.

Third is one of my personal favorites: FEMA concentration camps. Mainstream GOP members have baited these "Patriots" by referencing these make-believe camps. The completely idiotic and made up purpose of these camps is to lock up Patriots who belong to militia groups after they have been rounded up by "urban gangs" (ie black people). While it might be karmically appropriate for black Americans to lock up some white folks, I have not actually ever heard of that happening. If the US government did not lock up militia groups after Tim McVeigh and Terry Nichols (militia members) murdered hundreds of innocent Americans in OK City, I'm pretty sure it ain't gonna happen. And we don't need to anyway. These paranoid peeps are far too splintered from each other (some are NeoNazis, some are Aryan Nation, some are White Supremacists, some are just plain old anti-Semitic, some are anti-Muslim, etc) and way too dumb to pose a threat to our society. That's not to say they don't pose any threat at all. But no one's going to lock up cray crays just for being cray crays. Ain't nobody got time for that!

"Can someone come get Bart out of the razzor wire!
He was trying to get all artsy with the camera again!"

And you KNOW they check to make sure the tornado/hurricane/flood swept away their camo and Patriot Dictionary when FEMA comes by to decide how much tax-payer-provided free shit they will get. Because a militia Patriot is nothing if not a flaming hypocrite.

"No, really. It's me, Barack Obama!"

Next is paranoia bout foreign troops on US soil. Do you know how many foreign countries have US military bases IN them? Army: Bulgaria, Germany, Israel, Italy, Japan, Kosovo, Kuwait, South Korea. Marines: Afghanistan, Australia, Germany, Japan. Navy: Bahrain, Brazil, Cuba, Djibouti, Greece, Guam, Israel, Italy, Japan, Kuwait, South Korea, Spain, UAE. Air Force: Afghanistan, Bahrain, Bulgaria, Germany, Greenland, Guam, Italy, Japan, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Netherlands, Oman, Pakistan, Philippines, Portugal, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, South Korea, Spain, Turkey, UAE, UK. And that list does not include the new base in Iraq.


If anyone should be afraid, it should be the people of Djibouti and Kyrgyzstan. Why would our government use foreign troops to take over anything? We already police the world! Ain't nobody got time for that!

"I wove the Second Amendment,"
he said in duck talk.

Next is Monsieur LaPierre's bugaboo: door-to-door gun confiscation. Thanks to the NRA feeding this craziness, the Patriots are convinced that the gubmint is gonna git thur guns. Well, after reading the crazy-ass shit they believe, maybe we should. But no one has yet, and no one in power that I've ever heard of has suggested it. It's just made up garbage. No one is going door to door in the swamps of Louisiana or the deserts of Texas or the jungles of Alabama to take away anyone's guns. Ain't nobody got time for that!

"False Flag"
(This was the actual caption on the pic when I found it online.) 

Ah, yes, 9/11 Truthers. They are on the far right AND the far left. Don't believe what your eyes see or your ears hear, imagine something a lot worse instead. Planes full of fuel hit buildings. Bin Laden bragging and laughing about it after. If you have doubts, read the book by the Popular Mechanics engineers debunking 9/11 myths. It's an easy read, but I'll summarize: science says to accept the explanation that requires the fewest number of assumptions. The planes OR a vast conspiracy involving thousands of people, dozens of agencies, and sinister motives of our own elected officials. (Hint: It was the planes.)

Conspiracies require groups of people to keep secrets and act smartly. Groups of people are rarely successful at either. Ain't nobody got time for that!

"Chocolate is not going to help you, now!"

Patriots also think the NWO is plotting sinister methods of population control like intentional outbreaks of disease and large-scale "accidents." Why? Because! It's so obvious! *smh Ain't nobody got time for that, or a motive for that!

"DUN DUN DUN
DUN DA DUN
DUN DA DUUUUN DUN"

This is one I'd never heard of: HAARP. It's apparently like a NWO Death Star and it is used to control weather, cause earthquakes in targeted places, spread mind-controlling or deadly chemicals. Apparently it's "fully operational" in addition to being COMPLETELY MADE UP! Ain't nobody got time for that!


The Federal Reserve is the fuel that burns the Jew-haters' engines. They think the FED is all about controlling markets, Jewish mustache-twisting conspiracies, and evil, bad Jewish people. Historically, the famous Henry Ford was an early adopter of this chicanery. Too bad, Henry. Like a key to the finish of your posterity.

"Oy vey!"

Having a monetary policy is not a threat to your liberty or your right to believe any cockamamie thing Alex Jones tells you on the magic radio machine. And just remember, hating Jews makes you very much like that short, loud guy who resembles a JC Penny teapot. And also, ain't nobody got time for that!

And finally, the dreaded North American Union or "NAU." Apparently there is a secret plan to merge the US with Canada and Mexico which explains why there is an also unheard of (because it's a secret!) plot to send as many Mexicans into the US as possible. Was there also a secret plan in the 1800s to merge the US and Ireland, which would explain the also secret plot to have lots of Irish people immigrate to the US? No?

"Whose side are the French on, really?
And WTH is a "huddled mass?"

Knowing a little history would go a long way. America is a nation of immigrants, and that is true even if some people are upset that more and more immigrants to this country have darker and darker skin.

More importantly, why would Mexico and Canada want to be a part of the US? Don't they love their country and culture as much as we love ours. And anyway, if a merger was planned, THEY WOULDN'T NEED TO IMMIGRATE! Ain't nobody got time for that! Though I have to say, I love me some maple syrup on my pork chimichanga.

For the Craziots, the lack of proof of any of this dark, weird fantasy PROVES that it's a secret conspiracy! And there's simply no arguing with that! But the point of this blog entry (if you haven't already picked up on it) is that these wacky theories would take lots of time, money, and effort, and there is no clear motive for any of it to happen. Smart, hard-working people can get very rich and powerful in Americay the way it is now. Why would a coup be needed? Ain't nobody got time - or money - for that!

I don't know how a person who commits to this line of delusional imaginings can ever get Above his/her Raisin'. I don't have a  lot of hope it will happen. But at least I get to write about it and we can all have a laugh at his/her expense.

Thanks for reading! Comments are my only compensation!

As a Post Script, let me add how EASY is was to find pictures for this blog, largely because of the many postings by the Craziots themselves. Thanks, Crazy People!