Not Redneck, But Psycho.

In Jacksonville, FL, 21 year old Jumar Henry allegedly beheaded his mother before making it in time to the early church service on Sunday morning where he played drums with the choir.

I'm actually not a big fan of Nancy Grace, especially after she drove that poor mother to suicide, but this story is just dumbfounding.

This young man allegedly cut his mother's head off with a steak knife, put it in a black plastic bag, and dumped it in a grassy lot, leaving the decapitated body in their home.

He was arrested with blood under his fingernails.

I don't actually think there is a cultural or societal issue here to allow me to attribute this psycho behavior to Jacksonville or Florida. Though I have to say, personally, some things that have gone on in Florida in the past have made me want to go all Queen of Hearts and yell, "Off with their heads!"

Like this -

Florida Governor Jeb Bush intervenes in “right-to-die” case: A cruel pandering to the religious right

and this -









But there are no politics involved in Jumar's matricide. Just evil, possibly paired with psychosis. Sad.

I wonder if the Florida death row has a band he can play in until he gets the needle.

This Racist Makes Tim James Look, Well, Less Racist

California Congressman Duncan Hunter (cool name, BTW), wants to deport American citizens if their parents came into the country illegally.

Couple problems with this: IT IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL ON ITS RACIST FACE. The constitution defines citizenship to include ANYONE born here. And a very old Supreme Court case, US v. Ark, has already decided that this means ANYONE born here, regardless of the nationality of the person's parents.

So, no, you can't do that, Grand Dragon Hunter. As much as I know your Tea Bagging constituents would love to start loading up all the non-white children in your district and sending them back to wherever, you may not do that.

What kind of ignorant cockroach is this guy? It's not like there has not been a constant stream of conversation at the Tea Party rallies concerning whether Obama was born in the US. Does he even get why this is being asked?

(Pssst, hey Duncan. It's because being born in the US means Obama is a natural born citizen and therefore qualified to be President.)

Ironically, all these little non-white American citizens he wants to throw out of the country WILL BE LEGALLY ELIGIBLE TO BE PRESIDENT WHEN THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH BECAUSE THEY WERE BORN HERE!

The second problem is this part of his quote: "It takes more than just walking across the border to become an American citizen - it's what's in our souls." Are they vampires? Do they not have souls? And finally

WHAT IS THE AMERICAN SOUL IF NOT THE SOUL OF AN IMMIGRANT?

The very backbone of America is its thriving diversity and its lack of an aristocracy. We are all peasants from peasants. And those who claim a bluer bloodline basically forfeit that when they come here.

So, Mr. Duncan Hunter, with your white Anglo/Celtic/Saxon soul: What the hell are you talking about? They want to come here for a better life. That is the very heart and soul of America, right back to your own immigrant, European, peasant ancestors.

I suppose he could have been referring to the souls of the indigenous peoples of North America, whom we call Native Americans. But somehow, I don't think that's what he meant. His statement reeks of a sense of innate superiority (dare I say white supremacy?).

Yes, it does take more than walking across the border. America is an unforgiving place with no health care for poor people and a rising tide of anti-immigrant attitudes. But Duncan Hunter does NOT know what it takes to be an American. If he did, he would NEVER suggest deporting its citizens.

That is Alabama. And You Speak Panderish.

Tim James, candidate for governor in Alabama, is running a campaign ad that says: "This is Alabama; we speak English. If you want to live here, learn it."

Apparently, this "not speaking English" issue is of particular annoyance to Alabamians because driver's manuals are being printed in English and Spanish and other languages as well. Putting aside for a moment the common sense of making sure everyone - even recent immigrants - know and understand the rules of the road - can we actually have a discussion that remotely resembles reality?

Federal transportation dollars are tied to the requirement to publish driver's manuals in other languages. Does Mr. James think Alabama can get by without federal transportation dollars?

This is not an issue of "political correctness" as Mr. James suggests. It is first and foremost an issue of "welfare." Alabama, being a relatively poor state, gets WAY more money from the federal government than its residents pay into the federal treasury. Without this federal welfare, the state of Alabama, as most southern states, would be in dire straits indeed.

So what are you gonna do, Alabama? You can't afford to have these so-called principles. Secession = FAIL. Giving the finger to federal requirements and losing federal money = FAIL. You cannot afford to get off of Uncle Sam's teat. Your complaints are like those psychos who scream "Keep your government hands off my Medicare." *eyes rolling*

Maybe the more sane slogan would be: "This is Alabama. We need federal money to survive."

But this is also an issue of race-baiting. There is no way in Holy Hot Hell that Mr. James will stop publishing driver's manuals in other languages if he's elected governor. And he knows it. If he did what he is suggesting, Alabama's roads and bridges would really go to, well, Hell. He is just saying it because he knows it energizes the racist pinheads. (If my saying this pisses you off, you may need to ask if you are a racist pinhead. Or a racist fathead.)

We all need to remember that America is a nation of immigrants. Just because we got here first does not give us the moral right to make immigration as difficult as possible. No one wants criminals coming into the country. But I am happy to see hard-working, honest people come to America to join our society. Maybe making it easier for them to succeed - not harder - will be good for everyone.

Finally, Mr. James and his group of angry supporters need to come to terms with something: This ain't 1955, and you are not living in Mayberry any more. Minorities are the new majority.

When angry white people get up and cry about "wanting my country back" at these so-called town hall meetings, I know they are crying about having a president who does not look like their Uncle Bubba. But guess what, "your" country is not just "your" country. It belongs to all of us. Even the immigrants.

But don't feel too bad, Alabama. At least you're not as racist as Arizona. "Papers, please!"

So Much Douchebaggery, So Little Time

KENTUCKY - The sun may shine bright on your old Kentucky home, but maybe you should stay inside it to avoid being recognized. This is embarrassing. GOP Senate Candidate Rand Paul (son of Ron Paul) says he thinks private businesses should get to decide whether or not to serve black customers, or gay customers, or old customers, or handicapped customers, or any other protected group. So, in his world, it'll be live and let discriminate. Screw you, Jose' if the dentists in your small town won't clean your teeth. And tough luck, Mr. Chin, if the doctors in your county won't treat you. And all you African Americans, you can just drive into the big city to buy your groceries, 'cause they won't serve you in Mayberry.

By this logic, we should just let people decide whether or not they want to steal, let the victims solve their own crime and punish offenders, and let anarchy rule the day.

I'd say I have no words for this stupidity, but clearly, I do: moronic, ignorant, arrogant, racist, redneck, and "spoken like a rich, white, male doctor who has no idea what it is like to be really discriminated against."

IMO, the most basic role of government includes: (1) protecting us from our enemies (as much as possible); (2) provide a framework of laws to permit open and (relatively) fair commerce; and (3) to protect individuals from the mob. Prohibiting discrimination fulfills all three of these in my view.

And just to keep things fair...

OHIO -

The Ohio GOP (I can't help it if the douchebags flock to the GOP!) trying to unseat a democrat in Congress mailed a campaign flier that said, "Let's take Betty Sutton out of the House and send her back to the kitchen." No, this is not a joke or a nostalgic look at an OLD campaign ad so we can discuss how much politics has changed since 1958. This flier was sent last week.

One young woman constituent of Congresswoman Sutton called very upset about this and wondered why she was bothering to go to college if this is how women are still regarded. It's a fair question. I suppose the answer is that with every generation, fewer people regard women as brood mares and cooks, and more regard our gender as equals. We've come a long way, baby, but not everyone has.

BTW, Kentucky and Ohio are neighbors. Just a little factoid.

The redneck-to-normal-person ratio can be upsetting anywhere. Giving the rednecks access to media and politics shines a light on them. A least that way, we know who to protect ourselves from. The down-side: sometimes, they get elected. (Gov. McDonnell of Virginia)

Maybe I Shoulda Just Stayed in Alabama

I Googled "weird news," and there was just too much data to fit into my blog. So I winnowed (Look it up if you don't know what it means!) it down to 2 for this entry. One story from the South, and one from Utah. (So basically, I need to forget where I came from and where I am.)

A Utah woman was sentenced to 30 days at home with an ankle monitor for "blindfolding her husband and promising him a surprise before hitting him in the head with a hammer." Ooooookaaaaaaay. Hell hath no fury and all that, but a hammer? In the head? Here's the really weird part: HE ISN'T DEAD. (Part of me thinks, "Whew!" and the other part thinks, "So what was the point?")

And in Arkansas, a family became ill when they ate long-nose gar roe. They figured since the meat was safe to eat, the eggs would be too. OK. Here is a picture of a long nose gar.



Does this look like something to eat? Or does it look like something that will eat you? Just sayin'.

But this is the part of the story that I like best: The patriarch of this poisonous-roe-eating family is DARWIN Aaron. That's right. Darwin almost became a Darwin Award Winner by eating the disgusting yellow goo out of that fugly fish. They all got really sick, but fortunately survived.

I see two lessons here: (1) Blindfolds + Hammers = FAIL and (2) If something looks and smells disgusting, maybe just don't eat it.

This Little, Tiny Blog Is Dedicated to Teddy Blankenship

I once referred to something as being "little, tiny" in front of a colleague at work. (His name is Rob Storey, but his pseudonym is Teddy Blankenship.)

Rob/Teddy now says it too, but only in a falsetto, quasi-southern accent. (I find this ironic since my voice is really not high at all, and I don't think he has ever heard Alison Krause say "little, tiny," though I am sure she would if describing something suitably small.)

So Rob/Teddy now uses his cartoon-southern-lady voice to describe anything small as "little, tiny." He even started using it at home, to the surprise of his children and wife. His daughter says it now too, though mostly to mock him I think.

My work here is done. It was such a little, tiny thing, but it mattered so much.

No, the Peanut is Not "Bald."

My sister married a guy from San Francisco. (And yes, he's straight.)

We grew up eating boiled peanuts. If you have ever eaten a boiled peanut, you either think they are the best salty snack you have ever eaten, or they are the most disgusting, slimy abomination ever concocted. But this blog is not about the tastiness of the boiled peanut, it's about how you say "boiled peanut."

This is a Southern phonetics lesson.

When my sister first told her husband about boiled peanuts, he thought she was saying "bald" peanuts. Because (you already know this if you are from the South) you cannot call them "boyled" peanuts. That would be soooooo wrong.

The way I always heard it, and I guess say it, is "bawled" peanuts. I don't know where he got "bald" peanuts from. Neither Holly nor I are that ignorant.

"Help Me, Bwaaaackter!"

This ought to make you southerners feel reeeal proud - cuz this story is out of Nevada, the state of legalized prostitution and gambling.

This Republican candidate for Senate in Nevada has a solution for rising health care costs: Pay your doctor with chickens (or other bartered offerings).


She has had three chances to re-phrase, back off, qualify her position, and/or correct herself, and she refuses.

So, will your doctor take chickens for your check-up? How many chickens does it take to get a full course of chemo? Or to get your monthly insulin? And what if you are a pig farmer: what is the chicken to pig exchange rate?

Did she even ask the AMA if they would go for this, cause I'm thinking not.

Alaska, the Long Lost Confederate State

The difference between shooting rabbits from the back of a moving pick-up truck and shooting wolves from an airborne helicopter is a matter of degree, money, and geography.

In my introductory post, I mentioned that there are rednecks all over America. Alaska is a case in point. One reader commented to me via FB that Jeff Foxworthy has made a lot of money making jokes about the south. That's true. And I hope to be funny, but in a different way. Can I ask you to think?

I suggest that Alaska is the long, lost southern state, the Confederate missing link, if you will.

You have the aforementioned mobile hunting technique comparison. But also, there is a strong secessionist movement in Alaska. Guns, huntin', fishin', trucks, secession meetin's - if it weren't so damn cold, and if they didn't talk funny, you'd think you were in Kentucky. (BTW, I don't know if Kentuckians know this, but any place in America outside the south that is full of rednecks is called ______tucky by the normal people. For example, Vancouver, Washington is frequently referred to as "Vantucky." See how that works?)

So, if the South is serious about secession, it should consider inviting Alaska to join the movement. It has lots of oil, which will be needed. Plus, I think Sarah Palin would make an excellent Confederate President, assuming women get the right to vote.

Being from the South Is a Disability

(I will endeavor to be funny in this blog most of the time. But this is a not-really-humorous introduction to this blog. Expect a lot of writing making fun of the South, or alternatively, defending it when some redneck in some other part of the country or world does something to deprive the South if the monopoly on stupid.)

I have lived in Utah for almost 16 years, a place known for being a "Mormon" state, yet I get a consistent barrage of remarks about being from Alabama. Despite the fact that I am more cosmopolitan than many of my fellow Utahans, the comments never really stop. But it's OK. I agree with most of their remarks about Alabama.

I like to get to know people before they know where I'm from. If I don't, assumptions are made. Assumptions about my religious beliefs. Assumptions about my political positions. Assumptions about my attitude about guns, abortion, economics, etc. And even assumptions about my intelligence.

So although I managed to grow up in the South and get educated and find a job that pays in money and not chickens, I am handicapped by my birthplace by perception. People make assumptions about me because of where I came from. So I am constantly trying to get Above My Raisin'. Are you?

Living in Utah, and traveling to other parts of the US, have taught me something: America is a nation populated by redneck, gun-toting, ignorant pinheads from shore to shore and from International Falls, MN to San Antonio, TX. The only difference is the ratio of rednecks-to-normal-people. Alabama is about 3-1 in the cities and about 7-1 in the countryside. Utah is about 3-1, though in Salt Lake City, the balance shifts to almost 1-2.

Life has taught me that (1) the south is not as different from the rest of the country as I once thought, but (2) it is different.

The South does in fact consider secession every time a Democrat is elected President. The rest of the country, not so much.

The South is hospitable, so long as the visitor isn't too different. Then the visitor is seen as a threat, or, to quote one recent FB comment, "creepy."

Only southerners would think it a good idea to celebrate the Confederacy, an institution that committed treason and killed its former countrymen to defend slavery. (BTW, South, the rest of the country thinks you are ignorant for that crap. Let it go.)

If you are my FB friend and you still live in the South, I hope you are not offended, but I am not going to lose sleep if you are. There is no perfect place to live, but if you are going to stay in the South, try to be part of the solution, and stop being part of the problem.

Actually, that applies whether you are in the South or elsewhere.