That is Alabama. And You Speak Panderish.

Tim James, candidate for governor in Alabama, is running a campaign ad that says: "This is Alabama; we speak English. If you want to live here, learn it."

Apparently, this "not speaking English" issue is of particular annoyance to Alabamians because driver's manuals are being printed in English and Spanish and other languages as well. Putting aside for a moment the common sense of making sure everyone - even recent immigrants - know and understand the rules of the road - can we actually have a discussion that remotely resembles reality?

Federal transportation dollars are tied to the requirement to publish driver's manuals in other languages. Does Mr. James think Alabama can get by without federal transportation dollars?

This is not an issue of "political correctness" as Mr. James suggests. It is first and foremost an issue of "welfare." Alabama, being a relatively poor state, gets WAY more money from the federal government than its residents pay into the federal treasury. Without this federal welfare, the state of Alabama, as most southern states, would be in dire straits indeed.

So what are you gonna do, Alabama? You can't afford to have these so-called principles. Secession = FAIL. Giving the finger to federal requirements and losing federal money = FAIL. You cannot afford to get off of Uncle Sam's teat. Your complaints are like those psychos who scream "Keep your government hands off my Medicare." *eyes rolling*

Maybe the more sane slogan would be: "This is Alabama. We need federal money to survive."

But this is also an issue of race-baiting. There is no way in Holy Hot Hell that Mr. James will stop publishing driver's manuals in other languages if he's elected governor. And he knows it. If he did what he is suggesting, Alabama's roads and bridges would really go to, well, Hell. He is just saying it because he knows it energizes the racist pinheads. (If my saying this pisses you off, you may need to ask if you are a racist pinhead. Or a racist fathead.)

We all need to remember that America is a nation of immigrants. Just because we got here first does not give us the moral right to make immigration as difficult as possible. No one wants criminals coming into the country. But I am happy to see hard-working, honest people come to America to join our society. Maybe making it easier for them to succeed - not harder - will be good for everyone.

Finally, Mr. James and his group of angry supporters need to come to terms with something: This ain't 1955, and you are not living in Mayberry any more. Minorities are the new majority.

When angry white people get up and cry about "wanting my country back" at these so-called town hall meetings, I know they are crying about having a president who does not look like their Uncle Bubba. But guess what, "your" country is not just "your" country. It belongs to all of us. Even the immigrants.

But don't feel too bad, Alabama. At least you're not as racist as Arizona. "Papers, please!"