In A Rut

This may be the strangest safety warning I've ever read.

These are fraught weeks for drivers, deer and the nation’s car insurers: costly auto-deer collisions make a special jump during the mating season, usually October through December, and peak each November. “The bucks throw caution to the wind as they chase does during the breeding season,” said Billy Higginbotham, a wildlife specialist at Texas A & M University.

"The bucks throw caution to the wind as they chase does...."

What can be done about these reckless, horny deer? May I suggest some dating advice?

Dear Overeager, Undersexed, Reckless Bucks:

Here are some tips to help you achieve your goals of procreation while avoiding those fatal collisions with speeding cars and trucks.

First, the does are likely going to be more responsive, and therefore less likely to run into traffic to get away, if you would just slow down a bit. I mean really! What self-respecting doe would want to have sex with a buck so wound up he's got the technique of Hammy from Over the Hedge? Running towards your beloved at full speed like a blitzing linebacker may just be a bad strategy to start with.

Second, maybe a little dinner before getting on to making Donner. You should try hanging out around the tender leaves and overripe berries and lingering near the does that catch your eye. The buzz from the fermented berries can help relax both you and your chosen one, slowing you down from Tigger to Bambi (who was a buck, don't forget) and maybe making the doe a little less likely to bolt.

Finally, remember to apply the important lessons of John Forbes Nash, Jr. Don't obsess over the biggest or fattest doe. After all, the biological imperative you are fulfilling is simply to spread your seed and procreate, as often and as successfully as possible. So, just go with the slutty (or slower) does.

So, my horny friends, follow these simple tips and I promise, this will be the best, safest, and most fruitful rut of your life.

Sincerely,

Heather
A Driver in Deer Country

PS to blog readers: This is the pic featured with the article. Is that guy's name Buck? 'Cause it looks like he's chasing that doe in a street. Just sayin'.